A Shopaholic’s Diary

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Posted by: selsel on: July 20, 2005

I have so much to write. A billion thoughts running through my mind. Just like everyday. I don’t know where to begin.

I guess I should have tackled this when it first started manifesting in my head. Now the tangle of mess just rolls over and over, gaining size each time.

Oh c-r-a-p. And one hour later, I still have no idea where to start with this “tangle”.

Do I think too much? I guess. But I can’t help it. It’s just in my nature to think all these random thoughts. It’s also this nature which helped me avoid all those unnecessary situations that I could have gotten myself into, if I hadn’t thought too much.

I’m not one to act on impulse. I’m not spontaneous in that way. I’m an escapist (if there’s such a word). I don’t like facing situations that I’m not in control of.

Thinking gives me control. Over my own feelings. I can manipulate the thoughts in my head.

I may look like I’m confident of myself, that I’m sociable, outgoing, and all that jazz, but I’m really not what I seem on the surface.

A friend once asked me, why do you think so much? What do you actually think about?

A million things. Whether I’m going to take over Dad’s business, whether I’m going to UK, whether I’m going to do HRM major, what I’m going to do when I graduate, should I throw a party for my birthday and other thoughts that just ran into my head at that point of time.

My lecturer once said, after my presentation, that I looked confident, didn’t look nervous at all. What she didn’t know was that I was freezing underneath my blazer, my hands were shaking as I held the cards, my legs were trembling from the cold and my mind was in a blank. The mouth was working on its own.

I guess I’m mostly not what I seem on the surface. I was told I was a “closed” person. Not revealing emotions to people. Funny, how that never occurred to me. I always thought I was an “open” person. That comment came as a shock honestly.

So I guess, why people’s comments about me never seem to comply with what I truly am. When you open up to someone, you expose yourself to that person, you become vulnerable, to hurt, sadness. Then you come to need recognition, praise and love from the person whom you opened yourself to.

You come to care about what others think about you, having known what you really are. I don’t purposely hide what I really am, I just leave it to them to find out on their own. But most of the time, they don’t. How many people can truly say they know someone?

Having been single for over 2 years (and counting) now, I went to sleep one night, with one single thought, “I think I can never love again.”

When you care for that one single person so much, every single action, no matter of which magnitude, causes a gigantic wave in your sea of emotions. A simple action (or the lack of it) can cause you a rollercoaster of emotions. I doubt I can handle that type of “work” anymore.

It’s so tiring. To unknowingly (or knowingly) subject yourself to being an echo of emotion of somebody else. Although they say, when the right one comes along, all will be fine.

So I ask, what if the right one never comes along? I don’t suppose most of the couples I know are the right one for each other. I guess you just complement and compromise each other. Some couples just need more compromising than others. But then, I think that’s where the “passion” comes in.

Can it be possible that I’m addicted to singlehood? Or is that I’m too “strong” that I don’t need a boyfriend I can whimper to? Or do I just have “too-good” friends? You see, when you have a bunch of crazy girlfriends, you feel you don’t need boyfriends.

I was asked, “Can you be more gentle or not?”

I was insulted. Ok, not so much of insulted, but more of peeved.

Hmm? Gentle? So that I get bullied?

Then he said, “I won’t bully a gentle girl, if she’s gentle, all the more I’ll want to protect her, “teng” (like sayang) her.”

Ok, that’s fine with me. But I don’t need no guy to protect me. I can jolly well protect myself. I don’t need a guy to “teng” me, sure that’ll be nice, but I can really pamper myself, thank you very much.

And think about it, if you can make a “not-so-gentle” girl feel protected and pampered, then I say congratulations and give yourself a pat on the back, because that is just so much more satisfying than protecting and pampering a gentle “shu-nu” kind of girl, ain’t it?

Some guys just had it coming. I’m not saying I hate “shu-nus” or “shu-nu lovers” ala Xiaxue, but I’m just saying, there are different guys for different girls. I suppose it takes a really average guy to win me over. Whimpering, dependent, sticky guys are just not my cup of tea.

But neither are chauvinistic, self-centered, obnoxious guys.

Just in-between these 2 extremities.

The female species are so easy to satisfy. All they want are just average guys. Not too rich (men with too much money tend to stray), not too career-minded (workaholics are a no-no), not too self-centred (women being women, they want to be the centre of your world sometimes), not too “sticky (like a call every 15 mins to ask what you’re doing)”.

See. Just average. OK you can put it this way, average = all-rounder in this case.

A bit of all. Women are really just, well, women. Give her a roof over her head, household money, alot alot alot alot of love from the man in her life and voila! You get a really satisfied and happy woman.

But it’s because men are getting stupider (is there such a word?), they think that just because women are now earning more, can afford more of the finer things in life, that we don’t need them to pamper or protect us anymore.

Oh c-r-a-p. You just need the right amount.

Women will forever be women. There’s no changing that cold, hard fact.

Women will never be able to read a map the right way up and men, well, men will never be able to iron clothes, watch tv, talk on the phone all at the same time.

Never.

And that’s what sets the men and women apart.

I wrote this whole chunk of shingdig and I haven’t cleared my head. *roars.*

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